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For The LAST Time Take A Good Hard Look {Trust Me}
( 2004-10-01 @ 3:40 a.m. )

Ok, so here it is, my first "REAL" entry in three months. Hold your horses, it's gonna be a bumpy ride indeed. Seriously. This entry is going to be all over the place because, well my mind has been all over the place, it's disjointed thoughts, song lyrics, quotes, pieces of poetry, and the rest is a unidentifiable garbled mess, but dissect it enough and you can learn something, god KNOWS I did.

First, before I go there, important news. I'm moving, AGAIN...yes I'm staying in New Smyrna, just another house, so any mails sent to me after Haloween , needs the new adress, which all of my pen-pals, sisters etc need to mail me for, so please do so. I dont know the EXACT moving date, but I'll post it here as soon as I know, I say you should be safe sending me mail until Halloween so use that as a guideline, if it changes I'll let you know. Appreciate it.

Also, I need three diary layouts made, no I AM NOT changing this one, it's for one defunct diary, and the other two are for new, special diaries I have made. I have pictures for all but one of them, so if your interested in making me a layout mail me, I'll love you forever!

Also welcome my new muse. Isaac Brock in all his sarcastic glory, his quippy banter and lyrics have saved my life, plus he's cuter than a basketfull of puppies, bless his little indie rock heart. Be nice everyone, tell Isaac hello!

So now, on to the madness shall we?

"Well you never would have thought in the end,just how amazing it feels just to live again, It's a feeling that cant be missed and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it, Well your never gonna find it if your looking for it..." {The Used:Blue and Yellow}

Who are you? {Should have said something, but I've said it enough...}

Firstly there are the mundanes, Unextrordinary. Go here, go there. Loveless, sleepless, go to work, come home...do it again. Monotony un-broken. A vicious cycle. Un-relenting. Nothing sparks inspiration within them, not poetry, or words, or music and lyrics...{I told you time and time again you sing the words but still don't know what they mean}
Vile the lot of them {in my humble opinion anyways}

But then foremost are those amongst them. Those with a twinkle in their eyes, a flair to their clothes, a touch of eccentricity and sarcastic secrets in their tone of voice. These are the fae, the wizards and witches, the elves, the kitsune and tengu, the half dragons and {Yes Jamie} the phoenixes...the pirates even. They are the ones who laugh off the word "no" and their eyes glint with a tickle of madness at "impossible" The ones who love without turning 'round despite the painful consequences. Those who know you musnt see to believe, but BELIEVE to truly SEE.

I was called a "willfull" child. This...this amuses me to no end. Willfull? No...I was young and not yet jaded and I didn't believe magic should be crucified, exploited, prostrated, commercialized, dissected or otherwise destroyed.

I still believe that, so I suppose that makes me a willfull adult. Yes, well pardon me for refusing to give way to that choke-hold of banality because I'm 23. I dont CARE if it's written in the all-knowing "Rules of life you never knew existed" textbook. I REFUSE, and NO YOU CANT MAKE me. So stop trying. 9If I see mauve faeries in kilts jigging away on top of my microwave I see them...Savvy? If I am transported to the deck of a ocean-tossed ship, wrapped tightly in the arms of a certain flamboyant pirate when I lay down to sleep then THAT'S where I am. Got it? If my beach cruiser is a turquoise unicorn then IT IS!

And no, there is nothing you can do. I want no part of your "Help" or your advice, or possible "Medication because there must be a chemical imbalance somewhere she lives in a fantasy world."

No shit I do, I built it.

Yes, I've paid a nasty, nasty price. Sure, your laughed at but that's the least of it. You lose respect, credibility, you could even lose the love of your life if they dont see eye to eye.{What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?} Hell, your family may tell you that you should seek "professional help" {And will you tell all your friends you've got your gun to my head}

~Insert tiny giggles erupting into riotous peals of bubbling laughter followed by sly foxy grin here~

Oh YES...professional help, because there's NOTHING those people can't fix. Gee, why didn't I think of that?

Because the irrational, illogical, emotion-controlled brain has contracted rabees and eaten the logical part of my brain. You know the side that does long division and grocery lists. The part that stops you from cutting your hair illogically short {because Iv'e chopped all of mine off to 1 inch}, or stops you from saying something utterly "ridiculous"

Yea, that part. Oh well, Guess I didn't need it that much. The price you pay for being yourself, I guess you aren't supposed to do THAT after a certain age. Apparently this is also in the textbook that I burned. I missed the chapter that dictated "age deifnes who you are, the cut-off for beauty and revlation and fun is 20.......maximum" I'd rather just ignore that bit yanno? I mean come on, BULLSHIT!

Besides, at least I'm interesting. Crazy, eccentric, neurotic, emotional, hyper-critical, difficult sure, but I'm STILL Interesting. At least I know my flaws, hell I know who I am, most people twice my age can't say that so huzzah for me. I have learned in 3 months not only to live with my flaws,{I am Flawed, but I am cleaning up so well} I parade them now...dont care, I fix what I can, and the rest is out in the open. Bleh! ~Sticks out tongue~ Deal with it. {well which would you preferMy finger on the trigger, or me face down, down across your floor}

If I can have a life-altering experience by breathing in the ocean, or putting in a c.d. then good for me, I reccomend it. I reccomend going through hell, hurting and hurting, and purging and cleansing, yelling, screaming, writing.......and completley cleansing your system until it's ALL OUT, because let me tell you something, I am silver, I RADIATE peace now.

Let's talk about peace...peace.

Yep, that tricky little word that makes people think of singing kumbaya and holding candles, trash that image please. I'll wait while you throw it away.

Gone? Good, now do I believe in world peace? I do in the sense that I believe the only world you can truly make peace with is that which is within your own heart. Try that. Feel like you can't because you dont know who you are, liek there's two sides to you and you don't know how? Think of it as toing the line, think of those two sides as two dogs inside, a black dog, a white dog. That which you feed the most at any given day or hour will bark the loudest...you must indulge each side, logical and illogical with reckless abandon...because you live in the here and now. Instinct and NOT fearinbg is what it's about. Fear is so irrelevant, it's a fire that's true, but only YOU can put it out. You HAVE to, or you will never live, and I cant think of ANYONE I know who may be reading this whom I would want to see experience that sort of a life.

I did, I lived in fear, and simply because I wasnt afraid of death I thought I was fearless, but other shit terrified me. What people thought, how this looks, how I look, what to say, what to do! Enough, in the past three weeks my confidante and partner in crime Rachel remarked bthat I seem surprisingly calmer, and such. "Not happier, but your calm...I've never heard you calm" well she's right. Like I said I radiate peace, and I'm not afraid to reach up and loose the moon, or pry down the stars, grab them and run like hell. And no, I don't need anyone's permission. {Well your never gonna find it if your looking for it, it wont come your way} and that's true. I didn't look or it, but through a due course of self-deprivation, exile, bitterness and c.d.'s {I'll put up a list of all those c.d.'s to in case anyone is curious}, writing and revelations I have arrived here. Calm, and restful.

I have un-ravelled the mystery and meaning of life. That meaning is love, but I have managed to stumble upon what THAT is. Love is my friends basically peace, contentment and silence. I swear it. Two beings, fumbling despratley hoping to bring peace to another, hoping the other will bring them peace. It's quiet and stillness, and it's found in more than one place, you can fucking find it where you ARENT looking for it. {I was right, I swear I'm right, swear I knew it all along}

As Rachel said to me nigh on last night "From childhood we are read fairy tales right? We think the ideal is to fall in love, get married....happy ending" wqell we believe that's the only place you find true love, so we run and muck about looking for THAT person, panicking that "Maybe I had them and lost them, maybe I WONT find them, maybe they wont love me."

Stop, PLEASE STOP, look around you, look at your friends! Is there NOT at least one person amongst your friends, one friend who can calm you down, tell you things that make you sleep in peace? Give you silence and contentment? Isn't there? I'm sure you never thought to look for it there......neither did I.

I know different now, I KNOW That some of my closest friends are nearly the loves of my life, irreplacable and amazing. Sure, no it isn't the same as having that "guy" or that "girl" but it's very nearly the same love, and it's just as amazing, but most people won't break down barriers and stigmas long enough to acknowledge just HOW MUCH they love their friends, much less tell those people that they love them more than words dictate because well, no one else does, why should you?

Because getting the balls to tell your friends that they are that meaningful is what gives them that peace and contentment, I did it for a few people, some people have done it for me, and you know who you are. Screw standards and such, I hate that word, standard means "same crap it always was" so dont settle for that, say what you mean, mean what you say and let your friends know. Look for that love where it supposedly isnt, because if you find it, it makes the pain of not having that special "guy" around not only bearable, but most importantly liveable.

Society is jaded, it's true, so very true. It's frightening that we live in a society that places so much importance on fear, paranoia and outright atrocity that when a person finally finds peace everyone else points their fingers and assumes somethings wrong. That's scary people, I'm sorry but it is. FIND PEACE within yourself. You say you dont know how, that's there two different sides pulling you and you can't do it. Think of it as toing the line. A black dog and a white dog, whichever you feed the most on any given day is the one that barks the loudest. You have to indulge both sides equally, you have to LIVE. You have to make peace with yourself to not be afraid, to become what you are meant to be!

Guilt is meaningless as is regret. Throw them away, Guilt and regret are just shorthand ways of saying "someone else's burned dreams and shattered hopes" and you simply cannot live for anyone else. If you MAKE A MISTAKE as long as it's your decision, there's no reason to feel guilt or regret, most of the regret we lvie with is regretting the decisions other people in our lives have made that affected us negativley, other peoples dead hopes. Don't regret what you do, live it....do it and live it. Regret and guilt are wasteful of time and energy, and no one needs a case of the "why me's?" now I'm not saying I didn't do that, im just as guilty if not more so than most of you, but I learned in 3 months NOT to do it.{Well if you wanted honesty that's all you had to say} As long as a decision is yours, mistake or no, you HAVE done the right thing. {There's many things I wish I didn't do But I continue learning}

You have to reflect on it, learn from guilt and regret then get rid of them. Realize it's useful only for what you can learn, but then discard it. Trust me on this one.

Also, to hell with how you gain enlightenment, some of the music has saved my life............and yes, I'm proud of that, one osng lyric can change my life.

Realize that words are sacred. Mean what you say, say what you mean. Don't take words for granted. Poets or prophets? Same thing, every line of poetry is a personal prophecy, any of you poets out there know that. Realize that just by your words you can change thins. The right words, the right thought said to someone can bring a purging fire of change, sure it takes work to, but realize that your thoughts can change other people's lives, not just your own. Words are poetry and weapons, think before using them.....

{This May Never Start...I'll tear us apart, and I'd be your memory} Fall is in the air. Crisp, biting with a sharp, ferocious sort of petulant sarcasm. Like the lyrics to a Modest Mouse song. That's what it's like. It's cleansing and scathing all at once. It brings renewal but slices you sharply, life stripped bare to bleached, white bone. It takes everything away and leaves you with only a void. Memories like fallen stars, both good and bad. It renews you but liek waves that refresh the beach the memories wash over you and leave only thoughts...good and bad. Paring away all the sinew and muscle of guilt and regret, leaving the pared bones of possibility. Only fall does that. I remember alot, mostly a throwback to a year ago when my biggest worry was getting my costume togetehr in time for Gathering. How quickly things change, Not all bad though. I remember smiling faces in New York and Toronto, my sisters. I remember so much, and sp little of it still has consequence or relevance. Funny that...well ok, not REALLY funny. Still though. So here comes fall, like a myth in reverse... a ice {yes Jamie} phoenix...here comes fall. {The glow inside burns light upon her}

Wow, was that random or what? I warned you about that randomness, and it keeps coming. I learned so much, through a period of pain, screaming, yelling, exile, self-deprivation, hiding, denying, writing and thinking I learned. {Wasting words on lower cases and capitals}

As for writing, I have done plenty. There is the random crap above you, written during 4 hurricanes, mostly by candlelight, there is my novel, there are new poems, a Jack story I started and the most deliciously wonderful short story about breathing which yes, is FAR more complicated than it sounds. Trust me. It's beautiful though, someone inspired it, and soon I'll put part of it up in my poetry diary.

Now this doesnt sound as good as it should, because I had it all typed, lost it and had to re-type it all a second time, but it's all there, disjointed lessons, and hidden meaning.......and bizzare quotes.{So keep the blood in your head And keep your feet on the ground}

"But though each step put a greater distance between them they travelled the same road, for no direction, no quarter of the compass rose, is barren of the paths that lead to love.

Something I wrote today when I went to the beach.

{Given that our blood is just liek the Atlantic, and that's how the world began, and that's how the world will end} Yes, our blood is just like the Atlantic, the ocean. I understand that. I went to the beach today. I swam out up to my shoulders, my feet sinking in the bizarre squishy sand only Florida has. I leaned back and I floated, just floated there in a deep, warm silence. I could feel my blood in my veins and it felt as if it were seeping out and mingling the coean, and the ocean was seeping in. I breathed deeply...deeper and things faded away and everything was a hazy backdrop of blues and grens and the ghosts of the water. I was comforted by the simplicity and the freedom, and I knew I was cursed to feel the sea as my home.........

See? Random, now this is what happens when you dont write for 2 and a half months then go into a frenzy of babble for two weeks, sure I know it's garbled, hell some of you may go "Uh, Ivy has lost her mind" but if one of you learns anything from this, well then I am happy. Very happy. If it changes your life. Good.

Now, a list of songs that no shit, saved my life.

Modest Mouse
Every dammn thing they have written.

Story of the Year

"Anthem of Our Dying Day"

Taking Back Sunday

"A decade Under The Influence"
"Your so Last Summer"
"Cute without the "e"

Brand New
"The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows"

Dasboard Confessional
"Vindicated"

Hoobastank
"The Reason"

Blink 182
"Down"
"I miss you"

Boxcar Racer
"There Is"

The Used
"Take it away"
"Taste of Ink"
"Buried myself alive"
"Blue and yellow"

My Chemical Romance
"I'm not ok {I promise}"

Social Distortion
"I was wrong"
"Ball and Chain"
"When the Angels Sing"

Sugarcult
"Memory"

Switchfoot
"Dare you to move"

Rancid, lots of Rancid.....so many songs, oh yes, and the new Lars and The Bastards c.d., and let's see, what else? Well a ton of shit. There have been books to that saved my life, I have compiled a reading list though and I'll get that up soon.

There's something else as well. Memories, they aren't like objects. Those are just things that can be put away, I know this, I have mine...every card, letter, poem etc in a boot box under my bed. Safe hidden from sight, minus the tear stains that sometimes appear due to my incessant love of self-torture. Memories though, bitter or not, hang onto those...besides they aren't something you can give away. No matter how hard you try. They are best tucked away...in your heart. Don't ignore them either, they bite back with a vengance, give them their due, 10 minutes a day reflect on them even if it hurts like hell, it's good for you. {The look in your eyes makes me crazy} Life after all isn't about running away from pain, it's surviving it. {Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens}

So if this meant shit to anyone, let me know, I feel best when I make a difference, even though that's a grand curse. I love you all, I'll update more regularly now, although things may be crazy since I'm moving, but hey at least I'm here.

Yea, I'm gonna update that poetry diary now.......

I love you all. Your well wishes have helped SO MUCH, thank you and by all means it's still welcome. I appreciate the bright spots in a ew bleak months from a package and gift, a letter, a photo, a e-mail or a message here. It's all equaly wonderful. Thanks.

Home Is Behind // The World Ahead