I ask only for the strength to defend my people.

America's a safe place, if your gonna leave it, and the Rhetoric is there, if your gonna read it.
( 2003-10-24 @ 4:26 a.m. )

I apologize profusely for not getting back to my g-book entries. It is however 4:30 am, my Mother's B-Day is tomorrow, I just had a 75 question Psychology test and I want to do this entry while I can still remember. Oh yes, I HAVE A SLYTHERIN HALLOWEEN COSTUME! Thanks Casey!

I will answer them next week, I swear.

Tonight.........I was in Psych class and we went over cue-dependent and state-dependent memories.........cue dependent being like a song, or smell bringing back a memory........state dependent being like when your depressed having depressing memories come flooding back.

Both happened to me in one night, and quite frankly it scared the shit out of me.

Remember Benji? no? Go read that, then come back here......

Ok, my Mother's Birthday is tomorrow......and I had to go to Wal-Mart, so I trekked off to fetch wrapping paper etc.......

I leave the store and plop down on a bench outside, it's 2 am, and cold.......and I'm wrapped up in my leather jacket and all of a sudden.....

WHAM! It just hits me, I start remembering all those times from before......

Beni...all my friends, the coldness, the warmth, the togetherness, the loss.......all of it. Like someone opened a damn floodgate!

Then some girl with tattoo's comes up to me. Turns out she's a student beautician and wants to have a look-see at my hair. The bright ass red with black bangs, she then proceeds to compliment me on it several times, as well as my boots, tattoo, piercings etc..........

she said "Oh no, your one of those freaks, you arent gonna vamp out on me are ya?"

We both had good laugh because she obviously was to.

Then I was left alone again on my bench.....and I sat there...eyes closed....and the smell of cedar, Benji's smell came rushing back in this oozing way to fill my nostrils......

Yes, I was scared....remembering those times are hard....VERY hard......and all I could think of were these lyrics.

"Underlying reason, well she can't keep it going,

In the middle of the night,

they found her frozen,

And the Wal-Mart sign,

Keeps on glowing,

And the winds of change keep on blowing."

Rancid of course. There I was sitting beneath this damn wal-mart sign feeling cold and warm, and alone and together all at once. It was surreal and scary.......I have been pretty out of it and upset latley, I just havent wanted to talk about it much.......not scared, I just havent wanted to bother people.

I have been very hard on myself, maybe harder than I should be. But this was weird, scary.....just flat out strange.........I was almost there again, and while I was without a home then, I guess I really did have one.

I had alot of things............and now maybe I need to get some of that back, I need to stop being so hard on me.....I have to get out of this funk. It isnt good for me or anyone else.

Wherever he is, I think Benji kicked me in the ass.

Good for him.

I did cry by the way, warm, sticky tears containing a million emotions.....and now just to get it out, I will do so again.

G'Night.

Home Is Behind // The World Ahead